What I Didn’t Know and What I’ll Always Treasure
As I was planning my every other Sunday calendar of reflections and realized that one of the release dates landed on Mother’s Day, I immediately knew that the topic I wanted to write about would be my mom. Why then did I struggle to put something together? It’s most likely because over the years I had become so focused on what I didn’t know about her life that it overshadowed the wonderful stuff I did know. There was a gap in her history that I always hoped she would shed light on but was never willing to talk about during our time together.
While I was growing up, my mom, Mary, was evasive about her age. It was inconsistent on a couple of my siblings’ birth certificates and whenever we would ask how old she was, she’d say, “I’m 39, like Jack Benny.” This was a reference to a now-vintage comedian who celebrated his 39th birthday on-air and each year afterward declared he was “39 and holding!” Evidently, both of my parents were 39 and holding. What was the big deal? The more pushback she gave, the more curious I became.
Another fact gap centered on when she got married. We were told that it was sometime in February. That’s it. Sadly, there were no dinner dates, special gifts or anniversary milestone celebrations. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that similar mysteries were also common in other families. A few years ago, I laughed internally at a funeral for my friend’s mom when the eulogy started off with, “My mom was 17 when she married my dad. At least we think so because we’ve found a couple of different birth certificates!” Evidently, the silent generation really liked the sounds of silence.
Long after my parents had passed, my siblings and I confirmed our hunch (thanks Ancestry.com!) that they entered parenthood as teens and weren’t married until years later. Not super scandalous by today’s standards, but back in 1944 it was a situation that certainly could have generated a good amount of shame and guilt given their Hispanic culture and Catholic upbringing.
After adding the missing puzzle pieces to the canvas of her life story, answers to other questions fell into place and I gained a better understanding of what made my mom tick. Conflicts and misunderstandings were put into perspective, while successes, achievements and family celebrations became more meaningful.
On this Mother’s Day, I’d love to give teenage Mary a big hug and tell her everything was ok. I’d love to have that long overdue conversation to tell her how blessed we were for the ultimate decisions she made as a strong, resilient, courageous young girl. I’d tell her how blessed our family was that she grew into such a dedicated mom, grandma and great-grandma until she was old and gray. I love you mom, and am no longer searching for what to write about or how to tell your beautiful story.